How I'm Feeling..

Honestly I'm feeling like crap.. It took me until 12:30 to get out of bed and I'm really tempted to go right back.. New semester starts tomorrow and I can already feel my depression worsening... I wish someone would shoot me.. literally lol.. I just had a two weeks vacation full of retail shopping(now I'm broke), stuffing my face(probably gained 8 pounds) and ups and downs of emotions (ooo fun!).. 

         Anyway I really really can't do school right now. My irritability is off the wall and I really can't control that. Hoping no one decides to say the wrong thing to me.. lol. Thank God I have therapy today because I'm feeling really really really low.. like I'm at rock bottom and then a quicksand puddle formed and I'm being sucked in it and I'm too tired to grab the stick to save my life.. That's just the truth.. and I'm not going to lie to y'all.

Even though this is a "depressing" post I'm going to have days where I'm going to sound like this. I could do it everyday but that wouldn't be much fun? lol.

I'm still holding on and so can you.. :)
Kind-of a must read on depression.. It pushes me. Click me!
Definition of Lol.. To lighten the mood on my posts lol :)

It's been a while..

Sorry I haven't been posting.. Life issues you know the deal lol. I'm back though.. School starts back Tuesday.. not ready. Can  I please have another month? lol. 

But how have you been?

Why am I depressed..?

I don't really have a complete answer to that question.. When I was 14 I came across papers that said I was adopted.. & that really messed me up.. My parents weren't fit to raise me.. They were addicted and doing all types of drugs and I was actually born addicted to crack and deaf(not deaf anymore started to hear around 2). I do think my depression is biological since drugs are depressants and I think learning that I was adopted triggered it.. 

     I've moved past the adoption part.. I understand I was blessed because I could be anywhere else right now but I'm in a economically sound family, in a nice house, on a computer, physically and mentally well.. except for the depression lol.. but my life could be so much worse than it is.. I do understand that.. but the depression is still here and that's what I don't understand. I probably  inherited a vulnerability to depression from one of my "parents", that my  brain may have reacted to a stressful event(finding out I'm adopted) in a way that caused me to get depressed. I read that in adopted children I have three times the risk of having depression.. so that might explain a lot. 
    Hopefully soon I'll be on antidepressants and things will go back to the way they were and I can be called a survivor.. But for now I'm just making it one day at a time.
This post deserved a picture...

 Even though the light at the end of the tunnel may not be visible.. it's there, just hold on. We can walk there together.

Off I Go..

 I believe the worst people with depression are the ones that don't have a real reason why they are depressed.. At least the people with depression that know why they are depressed can talk about it in therapy and come to conclusions on what to do and how to cope.. When you don't know why you are depressed the frustration could be higher especially when you "just can't get over it" and you don't know how to either..

 I'll take you through a typical day for me.. 

I wake up fully after probably pressing snooze on my alarm 5 times. I feel like crap and I just want to put the covers back over my head. I question why I'm going through life again and the pain will just be the same. I hurry up and get dressed. Jeans, sneakers, t-shirt. I never get dressed up.. too much work.. I head to the bus stop. When I get to school I usually go see my second mom Ms. E.. just to talk, say good morning and get mentally prepared for what the day holds. Then I usually see Coach B while he's doing morning duty.

 Good Morning he usually says to me and gives me a hug.. Honestly that hug every morning is what I look forward to.. some mornings I just want to cry in his arms if its a really bad morning.. 

My classes sucked.. glad next week is the start of the new semester lol. I had Graphing & Design. such an easy class but I was probably failing for half of the semester. That teacher emailed my basketball coach so many times and had talks with me I lost track. My motivation was so low and my energy I could hardly get anything done in that class.. I'm glad I ended up passing & I'm glad he didn't give up on me.. Next I had Math. First off I hate math with a huge passion but when I was "well" I was pretty good at it.. My memory has worsened so I could hardly remember anything when I did stay awake to learn in that class. I ended up passing that class with a 70. The teacher passed me because I went into that final with a 56 in that class.. Someone was on my side.. Then I had American Lit which I love to write but I never did assignments lol. I was probably sleep in that class about 3 times a week and I never studied so my tests grades were pretty low.. My last class was weight training which I loved especially because I loved the teacher. Especially since he was my bball coach also. Exercise made me feel better but it was good because I HAD to do it. If its my choice to exercise I would stay in the bed.. I had a 97 in that class. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's very hard dealing with the side effects of depression and school at the same time.. Especially when teachers don't see that something is wrong with you. You don't get extensions on work and not using depression as an excuse but it was hard for me to keep up. I wanted to drop out.. but that's another story for another time..

At the same time school kept me from isolating myself.. It keeps me sane.. 

just like this blog does..

My posts are tooooooo long! Lol. I'll start shortening them.

My Story..& My Carers.

When the depression first hit me I didn't know what it was. I just hoped it was going to go away.. especially since I'm not one to talk about my feelings. Coach H. was the first person that noticed the change in me. She was the first person I confided in on how I was feeling. She is a coach though so I don't talk to her much since she is busy and I don't want to bother her.. But when I talked to her I still didn't talk to the main person that could get me help.. my mom. Me & my mom don't have the relationship where I can go talk to her about anything so I really didn't know how to talk to her about this.. So as months went on the toll on me went up and things just became worse..
The weirdest start to a relationship ever lol. So early in the semester i was in math (sophomore year). Our old math teacher got fired and a they hired a new one.. This teacher Ms. E was no joke. She was strict and was all about teaching. But she was a excellent teacher. Anyway I mentioned my grades dropped. I used to be a A student and now a C & D one. So almost everyday in that class I slept.. I didn't do crap in that class. Nobody cared or noticed me and I didn't care either.. My grade was probably a 50 something. Anyway the next semester in this class we got a new math co-teacher Coach B.  and he actually was my co-teacher for my freshman year when I actually did work :). I considered him as a father figure since I talked to him about everything. He saw what I was doing in class and started making me come to tutoring. Since I was still in basketball season it collided with basketball so I didn't go that much. After basketball season a very unproductive one for me I started going to tutoring more often to see what I could do with my grade. This probably was around 5 months in and this is when things were still getting worse but I was starting to numb myself out. Stopped talking to a lot of friends.. stopped hanging out... stopped working out.. I was all over the place. One day after tutoring the math teacher Ms. E & some others were just casually talking and she seemed so cool as just a person not a teacher. Something kept bothering me to talk to her. I think it was probably the guilt of sleeping in her class together so I did. I told her everything & I can now call her my second mom.. She actually had some good advice.. oh yeah I got myself to a good point where I was able to get a 74 in her class. Now when I was struggling in Math 3 I went to her for tutoring. I go to her just to talk.. to hang out.. to just be somewhere except home since there is a lot of fighting there. She was the one who told me to get help, to talk to my mom.. Coach H. Coach B. and Ms. E all saved my life and without them I think I wouldn't be here right now. I don't want to put this in past tense on my condition because I do still have depression. I actually didn't even go on meds yet and this is one of my toughest periods of depression yet. But those nights I want to end it all I think of them and how it will affect them. I guess sharing this with you will show you that compassion and advice can save someones life.. that you can make it.. and most importantly don't wait to get help. If you struggle with this I'm sorry to say but it won't go away by itself you need professional help. You might feel like this is a weakness but its not.. Its an illness and if it wasn't an illness why would they have medicine for it? Another way to motivate you is to search in Google is life after recovering from depression and see how these peoples lives changed with medication and therapy. Life is hard with depression and so is recovery but you have to get help or symptoms can worsen.. now that isn't fun.
Click here for tips and recovery processes.  Stay strong.. Stay hopeful.. & most importantly stay healthy whether it be physically and/or mentally. Don't make the mistake of waiting depression out because it believes that's its invite in.

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall..

"Depression deflects the blame onto the sufferer. In fact, depression turns you into the number one enemy of yourself" Now isn't that nasty.. - That right there was a sentence from the book Is it Weird in Here of is is just Me? That book I read and it gave me so much hope at that moment.. He talked about himself and how he was before, when the depression hit, during it, his hospitalization, and his recovery. He showed that things might have been bad then but sometimes you really do have to go through hell to get to heaven.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm trying to find hope in myself. I honestly do hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to fight this depression off. For not being able to go to school and get the grades I used to get... for laying in bed all day trying to breath.. for wanting to die. Sometimes I don't believe my depression is an illness, I believe it is a sign of weakness inside myself.. but I guess that's the depression talking huh?. Bright side is I have a appointment with someone that can give me antidepressants on January 13th. I'm praying these work because I don't have patience to hop to medicine to medicine. I need to get better so I can get back in shape for basketball next year, so my grades can go back up, so I can gain my relationships back and, so i can enjoy life like a real person should be able to.
What are your goals for this year?

My Day!

So today I stayed in the house and played some Modern Warfare 3 and "cleaned".. Then my best friend Bri came and rescued me out the house and we went to see Mission Impossible.. May I just say Tom Cruise is one fine man. So after I had a Coke from McDonalds (nothing like a Coke from McDonalds :)) Trust.. I came home and decided to do a little more posting.. Overall it was a pretty good day. Back to school in a week! :(

How was your day? Anything exciting happen? 
Check out this pic! Lol