Head is getting clearer...

I've been spending a lot of time playing basketball and getting my mind correct.. When your down for a while you need to do these things.. Anyway I'm feeling good and tired lol. I've been spending a lot of te hanging out with Ms. E & she really makes things a little easier recovering. Well I'm going to study for chemistry now ( worst class ever). Thank you everyone for being there & reading my posts. It helps me & hopefully it helps you also.. God Bless & stay well! :)

Breaking Down

Hey! New Semester.. I have two gyms (I absolutely love gym) chemistry and history.. I know I hardly made it out of last semester so I have no idea how to handle this one. Friday I go to the doctor to see what antidepressants he prescribes for me! I've heard good things about Prozac & Zoloft. Anyway my teachers are pretty cool. My first period teacher is kinda loud and I'm not a much of a morning person so that might be a problem.. lol joking. My other teachers are cool too. I feel like I will enjoy this semester when I get on my meds. I have no idea how long recovery will take though and when I will start to actually fully feel better. 

       Honestly it will help to feel better but I just need my memory, concentration, energy and motivation back so my grades can stop suffering. Being fully happy can wait because my future depends more on school than my feelings right now. I have no idea if I should tell my teachers what I'm going through. I always told them at the end of the semester if I felt they needed an explanation.. but like I said I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the semester. 

    In other news I haven't seen Ms. E (second mom) yet..I'm breaking down and all the stress is getting to me already and it's only going to be the third day.. I feel like I should go see her tomorrow because I don't want her to think I'm upset with her. 

   Oh one more thing.. MEMORY LOSS SUCKS... that is one of the worse symptoms. I could be talking to someone and my mind just goes blank or my mom could tell me something and in the net 2 minutes I couldn't remember a word. Especially in class at the end of the class period I probably have no recollection on what we just did. My words get mixed up a lot and I'm starting to stutter out of the blue. I'm stressed to the max lol.

Why am I depressed..?

I don't really have a complete answer to that question.. When I was 14 I came across papers that said I was adopted.. & that really messed me up.. My parents weren't fit to raise me.. They were addicted and doing all types of drugs and I was actually born addicted to crack and deaf(not deaf anymore started to hear around 2). I do think my depression is biological since drugs are depressants and I think learning that I was adopted triggered it.. 

     I've moved past the adoption part.. I understand I was blessed because I could be anywhere else right now but I'm in a economically sound family, in a nice house, on a computer, physically and mentally well.. except for the depression lol.. but my life could be so much worse than it is.. I do understand that.. but the depression is still here and that's what I don't understand. I probably  inherited a vulnerability to depression from one of my "parents", that my  brain may have reacted to a stressful event(finding out I'm adopted) in a way that caused me to get depressed. I read that in adopted children I have three times the risk of having depression.. so that might explain a lot. 
    Hopefully soon I'll be on antidepressants and things will go back to the way they were and I can be called a survivor.. But for now I'm just making it one day at a time.
This post deserved a picture...

 Even though the light at the end of the tunnel may not be visible.. it's there, just hold on. We can walk there together.

My Story..& My Carers.

When the depression first hit me I didn't know what it was. I just hoped it was going to go away.. especially since I'm not one to talk about my feelings. Coach H. was the first person that noticed the change in me. She was the first person I confided in on how I was feeling. She is a coach though so I don't talk to her much since she is busy and I don't want to bother her.. But when I talked to her I still didn't talk to the main person that could get me help.. my mom. Me & my mom don't have the relationship where I can go talk to her about anything so I really didn't know how to talk to her about this.. So as months went on the toll on me went up and things just became worse..
The weirdest start to a relationship ever lol. So early in the semester i was in math (sophomore year). Our old math teacher got fired and a they hired a new one.. This teacher Ms. E was no joke. She was strict and was all about teaching. But she was a excellent teacher. Anyway I mentioned my grades dropped. I used to be a A student and now a C & D one. So almost everyday in that class I slept.. I didn't do crap in that class. Nobody cared or noticed me and I didn't care either.. My grade was probably a 50 something. Anyway the next semester in this class we got a new math co-teacher Coach B.  and he actually was my co-teacher for my freshman year when I actually did work :). I considered him as a father figure since I talked to him about everything. He saw what I was doing in class and started making me come to tutoring. Since I was still in basketball season it collided with basketball so I didn't go that much. After basketball season a very unproductive one for me I started going to tutoring more often to see what I could do with my grade. This probably was around 5 months in and this is when things were still getting worse but I was starting to numb myself out. Stopped talking to a lot of friends.. stopped hanging out... stopped working out.. I was all over the place. One day after tutoring the math teacher Ms. E & some others were just casually talking and she seemed so cool as just a person not a teacher. Something kept bothering me to talk to her. I think it was probably the guilt of sleeping in her class together so I did. I told her everything & I can now call her my second mom.. She actually had some good advice.. oh yeah I got myself to a good point where I was able to get a 74 in her class. Now when I was struggling in Math 3 I went to her for tutoring. I go to her just to talk.. to hang out.. to just be somewhere except home since there is a lot of fighting there. She was the one who told me to get help, to talk to my mom.. Coach H. Coach B. and Ms. E all saved my life and without them I think I wouldn't be here right now. I don't want to put this in past tense on my condition because I do still have depression. I actually didn't even go on meds yet and this is one of my toughest periods of depression yet. But those nights I want to end it all I think of them and how it will affect them. I guess sharing this with you will show you that compassion and advice can save someones life.. that you can make it.. and most importantly don't wait to get help. If you struggle with this I'm sorry to say but it won't go away by itself you need professional help. You might feel like this is a weakness but its not.. Its an illness and if it wasn't an illness why would they have medicine for it? Another way to motivate you is to search in Google is life after recovering from depression and see how these peoples lives changed with medication and therapy. Life is hard with depression and so is recovery but you have to get help or symptoms can worsen.. now that isn't fun.
Click here for tips and recovery processes.  Stay strong.. Stay hopeful.. & most importantly stay healthy whether it be physically and/or mentally. Don't make the mistake of waiting depression out because it believes that's its invite in.

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall..

"Depression deflects the blame onto the sufferer. In fact, depression turns you into the number one enemy of yourself" Now isn't that nasty.. - That right there was a sentence from the book Is it Weird in Here of is is just Me? That book I read and it gave me so much hope at that moment.. He talked about himself and how he was before, when the depression hit, during it, his hospitalization, and his recovery. He showed that things might have been bad then but sometimes you really do have to go through hell to get to heaven.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm trying to find hope in myself. I honestly do hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to fight this depression off. For not being able to go to school and get the grades I used to get... for laying in bed all day trying to breath.. for wanting to die. Sometimes I don't believe my depression is an illness, I believe it is a sign of weakness inside myself.. but I guess that's the depression talking huh?. Bright side is I have a appointment with someone that can give me antidepressants on January 13th. I'm praying these work because I don't have patience to hop to medicine to medicine. I need to get better so I can get back in shape for basketball next year, so my grades can go back up, so I can gain my relationships back and, so i can enjoy life like a real person should be able to.
What are your goals for this year?

One of my Favorite pieces on depression..

I originally found it on Tumblr but no one knows who the original author is.
“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. Depression is humiliating. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life. It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. Depression is humiliating. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."

It was deep right? Thats my life summed up in about 500 words..